I finished off 2019 on what felt like a high note. School was going well and my career goals as a Nursing Unit Clerk felt secure. My family was happy and healthy and my hair was even behaving for once. I was ready for the much-needed week off to celebrate the season at home. Getting cozy in front of the fire with presents wrapped and under the tree. Unfortunately, life has a funny tendency of throwing curveballs at you when you least expect it.
That first Friday after class saw my son get into a minor fender-bender in my car. Thankfully no one was hurt but difficulties were bound to ensue. The next morning, I woke up with what was probably the worst flu I’ve ever had. This particular flu had me sleeping for the next three days. Even worse was the fact that I could do nothing to help prepare Christmas dinner. Instead, I was forced to lay around and do nothing. Much credit and gratitude must be given to my children for making sure Christmas went ahead as scheduled. As for myself, I have to admit that this was not my favourite week off. It looked nothing like I had imagined it would.
Fighting procrastination
Prior to Christmas break, I’d put together a well-laid plan of attack to ensure that I would be ahead of the game for the newest module after we returned to class: Pharmacology. It was a beast of a module that my classmates and I had been dreading all along. To be honest, our instructor, Wendy Scott, had given us the material more than a month before but I had procrastinated and not studied ahead as she’d suggested. I kept telling myself that over the holidays, I was going to put in the greatest effort and had this vision of myself sailing into class after break undaunted by the task ahead.
I did pull my flashcards out; but they simply lay beside me in bed while I alternated between sleep and Netflix binge watching. Those cards became a beacon of my failure. I would look at them thinking. Trying to force myself to begin working through all the medication names but I couldn’t. I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I think the worst part was the stress I put on myself for not studying ahead as I should have and for being simply human. It really is that time of year when colds are circulating all around us and none of us can escape them forever.
Balancing self-care with study time
There were a couple of lessons I took away from my flu-filled holiday and it had little to do with studying. Lying in bed for the week gave me a chance to think, to really think. I thought of where I was in life and where I was seeing myself going. I also took the time to listen to the negative conversation in my head that I often directed at myself. I know that I would never speak to another person with such negativity and yet, here I was doing just that to myself. I thought of myself as weak, undisciplined and ungrateful for the opportunities I had been given in life. I felt ready to quit school because my thinking had me nearly believing I would never be able to catch up or even keep up with the course load ahead.
After a few days of this, I had to stop. I had to remind myself that these things happen. We get sick. It had nothing to do with my character or willingness to learn. Instead, I decided and realized that perhaps I needed this downtime in my life. I’d been going full steam ahead for so long without a break that I wasn’t able to even recall the last time I actually did nothing. I also had to remind myself that we are human beings and not human doings. Simply being present in my own life without constantly needing to be active should be my goal more often.
Living in the present moment
After that realization, I felt better. I forgave myself for not being diligently prepared and decided I would simply do my best to catch up in the weeks ahead. If my best effort at that point still saw me falling short, at least I would know that I had tried. The funny thing is that I’ve found that I have a pretty good track record of accomplishing the things I set my mind to. I was feeling confident that this task would be no different.
For sure I was, unfortunately, going to be doing the very thing our instructor warned us against: cramming at the last minute. But you know, it is what it is and I got the job done. I got the studying underway very quickly after returning to classes and had very little sleep to show for it. The coffee bill at Starbucks over those two weeks was actually shocking but I’m proud of myself for once again accomplishing this most difficult module in the Nursing Unit Clerk program.
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